How much do you charge?

My fee is £550. Meetings, writing your ceremony, unlimited WhatsApps about wedmin, conducting your wedding (inc legal bits) is all included.

I also charge 45p/mile for any driving beyond an hour. Fuel is a bloody fortune.

Is there anything else I need to pay for?

Humanist Society Scotland will ask for a payment of £98 to confirm your booking; this includes a two-year membership of our charity and an administration fee. This covers you with the HSS Promise (where another celebrant steps in if something terrible happens and I can’t be there. Implausible but not impossible).

And the legal paperwork that is drawn up by the registry office (necessary for all legal marriages, no matter who is conducting them) will cost £90.

Can you legally marry us?

I have permanent authorisation to legally marry folk because I am a Humanist Society Scotland celebrant. The Scottish Government has written this into law.

There are some rules about who can get legally married. All the things you’d expect like not being a child, not already being married, etc. And you can’t marry somebody who has previously been married to your parent or grandparent, presumably because that’s rank.

Are you free on my date?

Hopefully! You can check my availability on the Humanist Society Scotland website.

What happens if you can’t make it on the day because you are giving birth/in a hot air balloon accident/there’s some other calamity?

Another HSS celebrant will download the ceremony script we worked on together, make contact with you (because you shouldn’t marry strangers), turn up with their legal authorisation and fountain pen and make sure you have an excellent ceremony.

The first one did happen to me but fear not - I am finished having babies and I am scared of hot air balloons.

Do you do gay weddings?

There’s no such thing - they are just called ‘weddings’ (it makes me sad queer couples need to ask). See also: ginger weddings and tall weddings. If you are in love and want to get married, your sexuality, gender identity, height or hair colour doesn’t make a difference.

I’m not Scottish - will my marriage be recognised where I live?

Yes. Some countries don’t recognise same-sex marriage though. Some countries are the worst.

Can I really get married anywhere?

Yes. In Scotland, the celebrant has the legal authorisation not the venue.

Is it true you married your Mum and Dad?

I sure did. They eloped to their own living room. I just need to marry my son for the hat trick then I can retire. He’s only five, so I’m around for a while yet.